Mr. Ray Allen, or, what I do all day

me: so you saw them celebrating and everything? that's so cool
it must suck to be a cleveland fan today
Jessica: hahaha
so my goal is to get janine world series tickets
me: oh yeah!
Jessica: CO tickets go on sale at noon
me: it's a damico family series
Jessica: no kidding
me: almost as good as a subway series
Jessica: all they need is Ray Allen to pinch run and then we'd all be watching
me: featuring the dodgers
i know!!!!
maybe he'll sing the national anthem one night
throw out the first pitch
assist the athletic trainers
he's a jack of all trades, that ray allen
Jessica: I hear he invented baseball AND basketball
and advised Tom Brady to give up a career in environmental law to try football professionally
me: lmao
i heard he's the contestant to beat on the new season of project runway
Jessica: HAHA
before or after he wins the Cy Young?
me: i think that'll be announced before
another feather in his cap
Jessica: a cap that he hand crafted
me: and feather from a bird that he nursed back to health
after it had been run over by allen iverson's purple cadillac
Jessica: he nursed it back to health while aboard Latrell Sprewell's yacht
me: milwaukee's best!
but did you know that he built latrell sprewell's yacht? apparently he's quite a noted shipbuilder
Jessica: he built John Mayer's cruise ship too
me: and he taught him everything he knows about head butting
the mayer craft carrier! yes!
Jessica: and apparently "your body is a wonderland" is about Ray Allen
me: indeed it is
actually, ray will be one of john's special musician friends as well
as it turns out, he dabbles as a jazz flautist
Jessica: yes, I believe he played for Jethro Tull back in the day
me: i think you may be right
also, yesterday, i saw on the espn ticker that he and brian boitano had mastered the iron lotus
Jessica: really? I heard he was training for Olympic curling
me: you train for curling?
hahahaha
Jessica: well not usually, but Ray Allen was watching old footage and thought they should step it up
he changed the rules too
me: whoa!
interesting
Jessica: yeah
me: but the winter games aren't till 2010
Jessica: apparently you can slam dunk in curling now
me: what about summer '08
hahaha
Jessica: oh yeah, he made it a summer sport
me: ah, i see
oh!
yes!
i recall reading about how he had singlehandledly happened upon a scientific process which enables ice to remain frozen at up to 100 degrees celsius in his basement lab
revolutionary
Jessica: didn't he invent cold fusion?
me: i think you may be right
i think he invented it as a freshman at georgia tech
Jessica: while on the debate team
me: few know that he also roomed with jason varitek
and simultaneously attended and played basketball at uconn
Jessica: which is a coincidence, because they played against each other in the Little League World Series many years ago
me: with the assistance of a wormhole
Jessica: that he invented
me: yeah, he's a leader in the field of time travel
Jessica: he wrote the movie Back to the Future
me: really? i thought it was that back to the future was written about him?
or both
Jessica: no, he wrote it based on his research
me: oh, okay
Jessica: but he didn't think they were ready for a black lead in 1985, so they cast Michael J. Fox based on his work in Teen Wolf
me: i thought michael j fox was an odd choice
ah yes, one of the seminal works of the 1980s, teen wolf
Jessica: which, in an ironic twist, is based on Ray Allen's high school career
few people know Ray Allen is a werewolf
me: wow, i did not know that
he doesn't like, eat babies or anything, does he?
babies on spikes?
Jessica: no, but he is a painter and a vegetarian
me: oh no
you know what that means?
as long as he stays away from landscapes
it's the trees that cause the switch from vegetarian painter to mass murdering fuck-all
as many important historians have said
okay, wait wait wait
i'm at his wikipedia page
i didn't know that actually starred in a movie
Jessica: yes
me: i'll have to add it to my netflix queue
also: "Ray is a 12 handicap golfer. He also bowls, and averages over 150."
Jessica: actually, Billy Joel told me that Ray Allen started the fire
me: and then he drove his bmw into a tree
but luckily ray was nearby to rescue him from the wreckage
Jessica: ray allen is a certified medic
me: didn't he deliver britney spears' younger child?
Jessica: and successfully helped JLO and Marc with their in vitro
me: sssssshhhhh, don't tell
but
i hear he actually impregnated her with HIS sperm
which he had personally gene-sorted to produce only the best characteristics
Jessica: of course, I hear he can get men pregnant
me: wow! how?
Jessica: scholars maintain the science behind it is only known by one person: Mr. Ray Allen
me: that is so incredible
so the critically acclaimed "junior" with arnold schwartzenegger was another of his triumphs documented in comedic film?
Jessica: yup
me: i hear he's never lost a walk-off
Jessica: true
he almost lost to David Bowie once but it turns out Bowie can't slam dunk
me: afterwards, they had a cup of coffee, and ray gave david a brief history lesson about nikola tesla, as david was about to begin shooting the prestige
he's a student of tesla's work with electromagnestism
and, apparently, cloning
Jessica: they then went to Madison Square Garden and performed a duet of "Space Oddity"
me: i think they're now working on an album together