Miss Tina Fashion

I don't know what's up with me and train-wreck television today.

First I got suckered into some Toby Keith holiday concert special on CMT. It was because Jewel was his special celebrity guest, and I'm continually fascinated by the fact that she always sounds like an SNL player trying to impersonate her. Like there's a yodel trying to work its way out. Ridiculous.

Then I was scrolling through the guide and saw something on the Home Shopping Network called "Tina Fashion," and was immediately intrigued at the prospect of somebody actually being named Tina Fashion. Almost as awesome as someone being named Tina Sparkle. Or Robin Sparkles. Any of the above. Anyway, Tina of Tina Fashion is Tina Knowles, as in she who gave birth to Beyonce. And if HSN were not unintentionally comedic enough on its own, when coupled with Tina Knowles shilling her line of cheap, blinged out garments and accessories, it's pure gold. I could have watched that shit for hours.

Apparently, in Knowles-land, it would be unforgivable to design one accessory without an assortment of matching accessories to be worn along with it. And these are not basic accessories. My personal favorite was the tall leather boot with a metallic gold heel and gold plates grommeted in a vertical line up the calf, which had a coordinating gold plate covered belt and purse. If this in black leather is not quite flashy enough for your taste, not to worry: it comes in metallic gold leather as well. That's right, gold on gold. Another favorite accessory was a extremely wide black patent leather belt with three golden chains attached to it. Like the love child of a corset and a wallet chain. Hot Topic gone luxe.

The clothes were less insane, although I was rather taken with one dress that was somehow long sleeved and halter topped at the same time, and came in six colors, all of which had dyed-to-match shoes available. Because nothing says class like a frock with a schizophrenic neckline and dyed-to-match shoes. There was another tube dress with this giant glittering detachable necklace as well as a matching shrug. Apparently the theme of the collection was indecision in the collarbone/decollete area. And everything, everything, everything was ruched. And they kept talking about it as though it were some shocking new development in fashion, this ruching. Cleverly gathered fabric used to accent the curves of the body? Surely not!

The craziest part was that they were a lot of money for clothes that looked so cheap! I mean, you could walk into your local Rave and find items along very much the same lines. Actually, come to think of it, it reminded me of Bebe or Arden B. for the middle aged crowd - poorly made, incongruously expensive, trying-too-hard-to-be-sexy, and excessively trendy. No me gusta nada.

As Jess said, "It's not like she'd reinventing the wheel."

To which I added, "No...she's just bedazzling it."

Also, I just watched Nip/Tuck and I must say I am sort of growing to admire Eden's stone-cold bitchery. In a perverse sort of way. I mean, it would require a seriously psychotic level of self-confidence and entitlement, which I lack, and she's truly a nut job...but damn, it would be useful to be so manipulative.