Resolve This

The New Year is rapidly approaching, and with its arrival, millions of people around the world will make well-meaning but impossible-to-maintain New Year's resolutions. In past years, I've been one of those people, resolving to lose weight or get to the gym with some sort of frequency or lay off on the general life theme of poor decision-making. I've actually managed to keep some of these resolutions in a broad sense - not necessarily as a result of a commitment to turning over a new leaf, but more because things just sort of fortuitously happened to work out that way. Because resolutions, in a nutshell, do not work. Any time you're putting that much emphasis on a single day in the course of trying to make a few positive life changes, you're probably going to screw it up. Not to mention, from a purely technical standpoint, 2008 begins the second the ball drops - so are you really going to stop eating junk food and drink less and make only excellent, well-considered decisions as of 12:00am on January 1? Of course not. You're definitely going to have three more glasses of champagne and nibble on something delicious and fattening, and you are probably going to make out with someone inappropriate.

So here, I present to you a top 10 list of New Year's resolutions, which I found by Googling "top 10 New Year's resolutions." I cannot vouch for their provenance or authenticity, but I can tell you exactly why I'm not going to be adhering to each and every one of them. And I'm going to make some resolutions that I CAN keep.

1. Spend More Time With Family and Friends
This doesn't really make sense to me, because if you're not spending time with your family and friends, then who are you spending your time with? Coworkers? The television? I'm going to go out on a limb here and make the broad assumption that the vast majority of us either live with our family or with friends, or at the very least with someone who could reasonably be considered an acquaintance. We are not a species of hermits. I spend more than enough time with my family, believe you me, and my friends have no cause for complaint either. Or maybe they do. Because they're sick of me! In any case, I resolve to spend more quality time with me, myself, and a stack of fashion magazines, because if there's anything I feel like I could devote more time to, it's the pursuit of vanity combined with abject laziness.

2. Fit In Fitness
America is obese. I get it. I'm fully supportive of anyone else who wants to make this decision, because it's a good one. But I'm also skeptical because all too often I think people focus on fitness as something to be achieved in a gym setting only as opposed to something that is possible through simply being active. That's a recipe for failure. I, for one, made a resolution a very long time ago, when I quit rowing crew, and that was that I was never in my lifetime going to join a health club. Because through being a member of a NCAA Division I sports team for two years, I've obviously already reached and likely doubled my Lifetime Gym Quota. Occasionally I've been tempted to break this resolution - some gyms offer really cool group fitness classes, and I sure do love a good sauna - but so far I've managed to stick with it. Knock on wood.

3. Tame the Bulge
Again, the fat thing. Look, it sucks. I've been fat. I started out Baby Fat, then I got Moderately Fat in elementary school, then Potential Adult Obesity Danger Alert Fat in middle school, and after a brief flirtation with Eating Disordered in high school, I got I'm An Athlete And As Such I Will Eat Everything In Sight Fat, which curiously seems to afflict mostly female rowers. Post-crew, I was Bootylicious (for real, y'all, Beyonce-style), and since then, I've sort of been slowly but surely reaching my body's natural equilibrium point. The key is not, as is commonly believed, dieting. Dieting is trouble, because any time you designate something as off-limits, you will immediately crave it. The key is eating a balanced, healthy diet. Then, if you happen to drink nine beers and go on a Buffalo chicken rampage, you're probably going to be fine. Because no one ever gained five pounds from nine beers and a Buffalo chicken rampage. (Although someone did gain five pounds from two multi-course expense-account holiday lunches, a gallon or so of cranberry mojito, and gobs of raw cookie dough, among other things, and that someone is me, so...though I'm not resolving to lose five pounds officially, I'll be reining it in a little bit.)

4. Quit Smoking
I don't smoke. Generally. I do pretty much always have a pack of cigarettes and a glittery, Our Lady of Guadelupe-emblazoned box of matches in the top-secret zippered pocket of my purse, but that's just because I was a Girl Scout for all those years and I like to Be Prepared. Likewise, I always carry a Tide pen, a pack of gum, a miniature sewing kit, Liquid Bandage, facial blotting papers, Chap-Stick, hand lotion, Vicodin, and a flash drive. That way, I can be sure never to find myself in a sticky situation with a shiny forehead, dry lips, a missing button, and some important documents that need to be saved stat. Sometimes, a girl just needs a cigarette. As long as I'm not smoking like a chimney, I don't see the harm. In fact, I resolve to get myself a fancy cigarette holder a la Marlene Dietrich, so that when I do smoke, I can do it in style.

5. Enjoy Life More
This one is just plain stupid, because I don't understand why it would warrant resolution. Is there really anyone in the world who wakes up and says to themselves, "I think I will enjoy life as little as possible today?" I doubt it. Although, come to think of it, that would explain a lot about my mother.

6. Quit Drinking
Further to Resolution #5, this would be a one-way ticket to Enjoying Life Less. I actually did quit drinking for a period of time in 2007 because I was going through a phase in which I paid heed to warning labels on psychotropic medications (this was before I realized that I could get a Real-Life Rock Star Bonus in certain impromptu Guitar Hero tournaments for being drunk on prescription painkillers, not that I need a bonus because I've got FINESSE). I had also recently escaped from the fifteenth story of a burning building and was consequently sort of effed up over it and was staying with my parents for several weeks. It's safe to say I was not enjoying life a whole lot anyway, so it's difficult to gauge exactly how much of that, if any was attributable to the not drinking. But pretty much the only long term positive effect I noticed was that I lost like 15 pounds, which I still haven't managed to gain back. So, I suppose Resolution #6 is conditional relating to other resolutions. If you want to tame the bulge, quit drinking. If you want to enjoy life more, keep on keepin' on. I myself plan on continuing to drink exactly as much as I do currently, thereby maintaining my current weight and base level of life enjoyment.

7. Get Out of Debt
I have three words for this one: Fucking Student Loans. Oh, and three more: Internet Shopping Addiction. Sigh.

8. Learn Something New
Is that actually a New Year's resolution? People are resolving to learn SOMETHING new in an entire YEAR? I subscribe to the old elementary school rule: I don't go to bed unless I've learned something new every day. Seriously guys, it isn't hard. Just add the dictionary.com word of the day to your iGoogle, or read an effing newspaper. I mean, I could get behind Take Up A New Hobby, or Earn A New Qualification. But Learn Something New? In a year? God.

Also, that just made me think of Book-It. Do you guys remember Book-It? Can we revive it for grown-ups? I mean come on, a Personal Pan Pizza per five books read? Or, remember when Chuck E. Cheese would give out free tokens based on how good your grades were? Maybe we wouldn't have so many dumb adults if we just had some incentives. Or maybe we have so many dumb adults because we were all just working for the incentives to begin with. Hmm. How Pavlovian. But I digress.

9. Help Others
I guess this is noble. I don't really have a problem with it. I mean, it's sort of sad that helping others is something that requires resolve for most people, but what can you do? On that note, if any of you wonderful readers happen to be young professionals in the greater Boston area and are keen on making this particular resolution, my Amnesty International grouplet, aka the Boston Firefly Project, is always accepting new members. We deal primarily with economic, social, and cultural rights, and we are generally a fun bunch. Just sayin'.

10. Get Organized
I think that my problem with getting organized is rooted in the fact that it first requires getting disorganized. As in, if you're going to organize your closet, first you're going to have to dump all your clothing in a big pile on the floor, sort it in to piles, and make some big decisions about what to keep, what to alter, what to give away, and what to toss. It's a really great idea in theory, but more than likely you're just going to wind up clearing a path from the doorway to your bed amidst a sea of clothing. And, if by chance you do manage to get everything back in the closet in an orderly fashion, you will quickly find that to Get Organized is only the tip of the iceberg. The iceberg itself is Stay Organized. Which to me sounds like an exercise in futility. If you want to undertake this onus, be my guest. Meanwhile, I'll keep reading Real Simple and Martha Stewart every month with the very best of intentions but secretly hope that my apartment will be happened upon by a book-alphabetizing fairy and a Swiffering nymph and a dwarf who is handy with the Scrubbin' Bubbles and a host of other magical organizational fictitious woodland creatures. Or, you know, something.

I do, however, plan on making a few real-life resolutions. Nothing too major or too labor-intensive, but they are things that I am quite serious about. First, I resolve to stand up for myself regardless of the situation. Historically, I've been a pushover and allowed people to walk all over me. But in recent months, I've started to explore the studio space a little bit, and I think in the coming year I'd like to extend the not-being-a-doormat thing and potentially serve it up with a side of saying exactly what I actually think.

In the same vein, while my general outward disposition tends toward breathless enthusiasm and charm steeped in ADHD, wrapped in leopard print and tied with a glittery hot pink bow, the truth is that under all that sugar and spice, I'm really just a Mean Girl. So in 2008, I intend to embrace my inner asshole and wear her like a badge of honor. Okay, like a leopard print badge of honor with a glittery hot pink ribbon.