Mis-Matched

It's difficult to meet quality men in Boston.

I will concede that I am picky. Thing is, I'm not a person who feels any specific compulsion to be in a relationship. I can take them or leave them. Sure, it's nice to have the undivided adoration of someone special...but it's also sort of nice to have entire fan clubs, and the sort of personal autonomy that affords you the chance to spend three nights a week in bed with a supply of good dark chocolate and cheap red wine, a stack of fashion magazines, and no need to "check in" with anyone. A few years ago, my roommate's little sister's friend, who was visiting for the weekend, said of me: "I want to be just like Renee when I'm in college - with my bra hanging out of my shirt, my thong hanging out of my jeans, and boys calling me on the phone all the time." Which paints me as a much bigger tramp than I actually was, but still. I rather enjoy being Miss Popularity, and it takes a pretty awesome guy to turn me monogamous.

(The girl who said that, incidentally, is now a lesbian. Interpret that as you will.)

Now that I'm in my mid-20s, though - isn't that scary, mid-20s?...that's practically 30 - I'm beginning to feel that I should at least make an active attempt at meeting good guys. So I joined Match. Because guys, it's okay to look.

I didn't look at other girls' profiles to gauge what sort of information I should put. Instead, I stuck with my time-honored strategy of letting the crazy out right out of the gate in the hope that it would scare off all those who might not be able to hang. Ever wonder what, at age 5, I wanted to be when I grew up? A dog. My kindergarten teacher was concerned. My heritage, you ask? Polish - but the Amazon stock, not the sturdy peasant stock. What am I looking for in a man? NOT someone who is shy or easily offended, that's for damn sure.

Almost immediately, the winks and the messages started to roll in. So many of them, in fact, that I had to develop a vetting system. The stringent criteria for a response included but were not limited to:

*No one under 6 feet. The reasons for this are obvious if you know me in real life, but if you don't: I'm a freaking giant, and a fan of high heels to boot.

*Must be over 25. Except in the case of Zac Efron or Michael Cera...but I doubt they're on Match. A girl can dream. Similarly, must be under 35. And no kids. I will be no one's stepmama.

*Located in the metro Boston area. I won't go to Allston, let alone Andover. Flag-waving indigenous Bostonians/South Shoreans are also to be avoided as I loathe Boston accents.

*Must have a picture. I got this message a couple of days ago: "hi i was reading your personal and wanted to write to say hi, very nice pics of u :) can i send u my pics? i am within your age and distance range." I did not respond, because in my view, if you don't have a picture posted you are automatically sketchy. Then, yesterday, from the same guy: "how are u? since u checked out my personal can i at least send u my pics? i am within your age and distance range :)." No, you cannot send me your pics, because in addition to being inherently suspect, you type like a text-messaging pre-teen girl! Which brings me to:

*Must exhibit communication that demonstrates a cursory command of the English language. You know, featuring the usage of complete sentences. With correct spelling and no egregious misuse of quotation marks. One guy's profile said that he was looking for a "woman" to share his life with. Now, to me, a woman and a "woman" are two very different things, and if it is a "woman" he is looking for, I don't think I qualify. Another guy claimed that many women thought men were a bunch of "fornicators." Are they actual fornicators or just fornicators so to speak? And really, aren't we all fornicators? (I couldn't help but wonder...sorry, that just sounded like a bad Carrie Bradshaw column.)

*Must not send more than one message in a row without having gotten a response from me in between. That's sort of stalkerish, no? Particularly if the second message is a check-the-applicable-box exercise that looks something like this:
"1. "Wow, you're really cool; we should get together
some time for a drink."
2. "I have to say you're really cool, sorry it's taken
me so long to get back, your e-mail got lost in the sea
of jack-asses on here."
3. "Sorry my life's been really hectic. But you are
really cool, so let's get together next week."
4. "I don't think any of this is even funny, and I
have to go now because I have a therapy appointment.
But I do think you're really cool."

*Should not exhibit a sense of douchebag-variety entitlement. For example: "Hi. My cousin is in town for the week and I need to show him a good time. I was thinking that you and one of your friends could meet us out. No expectations just fun with 2 great guys. I was thinking Saturday night. Email me back and let me know." No expectations, you say? Well, in that case...NO!

*Finally, must not exude an aura of desperation. Even too much earnestness is, for me, a turn-off. I'm not invested in this. At all. I couldn't care less if I happen upon the future Mr. Renee. I'm just tired of meeting the same five dudes over and over again. Some people go on and on about what kind of person they are looking for. I'm more interested in people that go on and on about who they are - people whose personalities show through. I know I'm awesome. I need to know that you're awesome too.

These guidelines have helped me shrink the pool down to a manageable number. And while Match offers a "No thanks" button that you can click if you're not interested, I do not use it, because in the majority of cases, the guy in question really should have known better.

If nothing else, this should certainly make for entertaining blogging.